Chronic[poem]

chronic

Chronic.

I’ve become iconic in these waiting rooms

That room.

That degrading waiting room.

Like don’t you know who I am by now and what I’ve been through?

Then I get called back.

And yeah yeah you act like you know all that.

You just keep nodding and dismissing everything I’m telling you.

What’s wrong with you?

Don’t you see the pain that I REALLY AM going through?

I’m through.

You pat my back and say,

“I’ll see you back in a couple weeks to see how you do?”

How I’ll do?

Man forget you!

I’ve done what you said!

I’ve followed your rules!

Yet here I am with no clue.

Where is my end game?

It’s just about coping and doping to get me through.

But you know what?

I ain’t given up.

I’m gonna speak up and be a voice for me and those around me.

We won’t be content when you relent.

We will believe in an answer.

We will believe in your ability to help me.

So doctor up.

Be a new you.

Find an answer that’s outside of your typical.

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My Tv Wall Makeover

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So I have a very small living room with a ceiling fan that only takes dim chandelier bulbs. So the room always looked very dark.

I decided to brighten it up by doing a white (ish) themed wall. We got unfinished 8″ x 12′ boards and painted with a satin country white. It immediately did the trick and brightened the whole room. My sweet husband painted and nailed them up while I was out of town for a doctors appointment for my son.

I was super excited to refinish the dresser that my mother in law gave me. I used chalk paint with the color Plaster that I bought in the craft section at Walmart. I wanted to keep something untouched so I left the top and the hardware alone.

The wall itself has been finsished for a month or so. But I couldn’t find just the right pieces to set on the stools. Finally, my mama found the greenery and I got the buckets and moss at Michaels for 40% off.

I just love cacti and succulents, and I’m just in love with how they look. You may think I’m crazy for having a cactus with my 4 boys but the way I figure is that the ones tall enough to reach will only touch it once and Parker Blu can’t reach at all. So yeah.

That wooden Heart, yeah it took forever to burn those letters!

im finally finished and I love it! It was a slow moving project but so worth it.

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My mother in law gave me this dresser. I painted over the original stain leaving the top untouched.

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These were stools that I had refinished with bright colors a couple years ago.

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I sanded off all the paint on the seat except for this little strip. I finished with a stain and painted the base plaster white.

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I adde shelves by painting paint stir sticks and stapling down.

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This is a wood sign I cut, stained, and wood burned inspired by my popular keychain that looks just like this.

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I took cheap terra-cotta pots and painted them with plaster chalk paint and decorated with a gold paint.

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My local store didn’t have tv wire hiders so I wrapped the wires is yarn! I like it a lot more than a piece of plastic.

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I pieced all of this together. I needs something tall to go on each side of the dresser.

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This was a candle lantern. I took off the chains, flipped it upside down, and now it’s a statement piece.

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I’m loving the way this moss looks.

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Here’s the terrible before picture.

Finding Mom Friends is the WORST.

img_3780So I just got home after a fun evening at my church. We had a girls night in. We watched Moms’ Night Out, which is such an accurate movie that it’s almost stressful but hilarious.

Which is life. It’s stressful, but makes you laugh along the way.

I had a great night. Surprisingly so.

You see, I made a new friend. She is my age and has a kid. She’s been married the same amount of years as me,give or take a year.

As we were getting ready for everyone to get there, I announced to my sister and sister in law, “Guess what y’all? I invited a friend to come. A friend that doesn’t already go here.” They were all like, “oooo look at you go.”

The thing is, I hardly ever invite people to anything because women always find some excuse not to come.

However, I invited this girl to come because she met all the requirements of needing a night away from home. Plus, she’s nice to me on Facebook which you know…is a must.

So she gets there and we start talking about the fact that we had more than being a mom in common. We are both weird. And that led us to rant that too many women these days are so granola <<<a new term I learned tonight<<<that it’s like there is an unspoken rule book called the Moms Acceptable Conversation Topic Trifecta. And it’s like…you should only talk about the following,

-How sick,cute,cranky,or crazy your kids are.

-How messy your house is.

-And your current diet and excercise routine.

Stay within these topic perimeters and you are going to do just fine in the mommy friend zone. But stray from these subject points and you have now left yourself vulnerable to receive awkward glances and sudden subject changes.

Like, you should definitely not bring up the time you opened a pack of cookies while shopping at Walmart. You opened and ate that bag of cookies. You also drank a bottle of tea and opened the new package of wipes to clean your hands because yeah,

You mommed hard that day.

And when the cashier asked if you wanted the bag of cookies back you were like, “Girl,it’s empty. Do I look like a trash can?”

And don’t you dare talk about that time you and your husband were about to have *whispers* sex on the bed. He strokes your hair, you go to lay back and

OH DEAR GOD

I sliced my foot open with the chefs knife that was under a towel at the foot of the bed because you know…it was totally my bad for not checking the bed for sharp kitchen utensils. And *spoiler alert* all the blood totally killed the mood.

Yeah, tell that story to a group of basic moms and they will immediately try to steer the conversation back to the Moms Acceptable Conversation Topics. Lets see…she was on the bed,cut her foot,there was blood,blood got on the sheets BINGO! Let’s discuss the best way to get blood out of fabric.

Like seriously.

But thankfully it’s super easy to find Christian mom friends yeah right no it’s not. I might argue that it’s harder. Because now you have to worry about that look. You know, the “I can’t believe she just said ‘crap’. She’s supposed to be a Christian.” look.

I try hard to make mom friends too. Like, I try to be all casual at first by making friendly suggestions such as, “we should hang out.” Then I get more forward with invitations,”you want to hang out?” But then they side step you with, “oh yeah we should.” But she doesn’t mean that she wants to actually go. No. She has no intentions of hanging. She just means like, “yeah we should…have this conversation again in a week but not ever actually hang out.”

I mean I could hang out more with women that don’t have kids but I have 4 boys and I’m not trying to taint their dreams of a beautiful family by slapping them in the face with reality.

Side note, I hate the word taint.

So I’m talking to my new friend and she was talking about everything. From loving her son to, oh dear God I don’t want more kids. Like never. Or ever. To creepy men at her bedroom window. We talked how our husbands used to be total stoners before they met Jesus. We totally busted down the Topic Trifecta.

We had never hung out before yet she was weird and real. We both were. I didn’t  hide my crazy and she wasn’t offended by it.

Im very thankful that I have a whole family that tolerates my personality. They laugh with me. I can be myself. I love making my sisters laugh. Especially my second oldest sister, she cracks up like I’m the funniest person she knows. I enjoy the slap on the shoulder my mom gives me followed by, “you’re so weird”. And I am blessed with a couple of friends that I can be 100% myself.

But Moms, lighten up. Mom friends is about more than talking about mom stuff. Be yourself. Your funny awkward self. And be out going. Say yes for a change. Ask a mom at baseball fields to hang. We need each other. And try not to be so hard to reach out to.

Because when you finally find that group of girls you can laugh with. It’s the best. Especially if you have anxiety. Get a freaking friend ok?

And to my new friend, thank you for coming. You have no idea, or maybe you do, just how difficult it is to get a new person to step out of their mom zone.

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DIY: Snowman Ornament

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So I go to the Dollar Tree on the hunt for materials to make cute ornaments with the kids.

And here’s what I came up with. It’s super simple of fast.

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Materials Needed:

Feaux Snow

Red bows

Plastic Shot Cups

Plastic Ball Ornaments

Black Poster Board

Ribbon to go around hat

Step 1. Take the top off the empty ornament. Get a funnel to pour the snow into the ball. Place the top back on.

Step 2. Paint the inside of the shot glass black with acrylic paint. 2 coats is best. And poke a hole in the bottom of the cup. I have a wood burner that I used to melt a hole but a drill would work too or a nail.

Step 3. Cut out about a 4 inch circle from the black poster board for the bottom of the hat. Inside that circle cut a hole big enough to place over the top of the snowman head where you filled with snow.

Step 4. Put the black donut over the top of the head.Thread the string used to hang it through the hole in the shot glass. Hot glue the rim of the glass to the black donut.

Step 5. Put ribbon around the hat.

Step 6. Cut a carrot for the nose out of construction paper. And draw the face with a sharpie.

Step 7. Glue the bow to the bottom and HUZZAH you’re done!

DIY Easy Pom Pom Slouchy Hat

imageI guess I should start out saying that this is more of a feaux slouchy hat as it is really just a regular big kids beanie. But since it’s for bigger kids, it fits my Parker Blu like a slouchy hat. So for toddlers and big kids, I would get an adult beanie.

Now look, I know that I’m supposed to engage the reader by writing about this and that and blah blah.

Yeah but really.

When you’re looking for a diy, you’re not wanting to hear about those “engaging” side story details.

You’re just like…

“Yeah but how?”

“Oh your dog farted on your yarn? Ew.”

“BUT HOW?!”

I always scroll right past all the chit chat and get right to the HOW.

So here you go friends. Essentially…all your doing is adding a pom pom  to a beanie ok?

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Materials Needed

Material>>>

-Beanie from Walmart

-Hot Glue Gun

-Yarn Needle

-Yarn

-Cardboard pom pom template. *All you do is trace something round on cardboard (I used a pizza box) cut it out, trace a smaller circle in the middle, cut that out, then cut out about a half inch slit in the donut shape. The bigger the outside circle,the bigger the pom pom.

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Pom Pom steps

Square 1. Start by wrapping the yarn around the donut 2 times. You should hardly be able to see the cardboard.

Square 2. Hot glue the yarn on the inside rim.Do this every time you wrap a new row. This will help keep the yarn from pulling out once the pom pom is finished.

Square 3. I use the tip of the glue gun to smooth the glue around. It should look like the picture.

Square 4. Wrap the yarn around until there is no more inside hole. This is key to a nice full pom Pom. My pom poms never turned out that great but it’s because I wasn’t wrapping until it wouldn’t wrap anymore.

Square 5. After glueing the last wrapped row, cut the outer edge of the yarn on the donut.

Square 6. It should look like this once all the yarn is cut.

Square 7. Cut a long piece of yarn and slide it between the cardboard donut and the yarn. Tie a knot. You have now secured the pom Pom. Take the donut off. You can trim up the pom pom if some pieces are longer.

Square 8. Thread the needle on one piece of the yarn and thread it through the top of the hat. Do the same thing to the other piece.

Square 9. Both ends of the yarn should now be on the inside of the hat. Now just tie the strands in a knot and you’re done!

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Parker Blu #killinit

And now your baby looks super cute!

Obviously you can do this for big kids and adults too!

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It’s No Accident

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“Parents tend to broadcast their children’s sleep struggles-they’ll blog about their baby’s 2:00 am cry-a-thons or their sleep-training bible or their favorite white-noise machine. But at the playground you don’t hear, ‘Payton pooped in her pants again yesterday and the weird thing was, she didn’t even notice.’ No one posts on Facebook: ‘My second grader wet the bed again’.” 

-Steve J. Hodges, MD, from his book It’s No Accident

He’s so right!! No one wants to reveal that their long time potty-trained child has accidents. Why? Because we don’t want to be met with the response, “oh really?! My kid hasn’t had an accident since she was 3.”

 

Yeah I get it.

Your kid has the gastrointestinal system of Thor.

Good for her.

*I want to start this out by saying I am not getting paid to promote this book. It has helped me tremendously with 2 of my boys to not only help them with their potty problems but to understand them. I desire to help shed light to other frustrated parents and children who can’t seem to find an answer.*

 

I will finally be the mom to talk about her kids potty problems in hope that I can spread awareness on this rarely spoken about topic.

In the past several months since my 2 year old has started having his pooping issues (he’s not potty-trained, he just can’t poop…that’s another story) I have learned that potty problems are a big problem in a lot of families. Some kids that parents tell me about wet the bed, other kids have Encopresis (poop leaks and there’s nothing you can do to keep it in) paired with chronic constipation.

Unfortunatly, potty related accidents among school aged kids are quite common. And according to Doctor Steve Hodges, the culprit is quite the epidemic.

Another excerpt from his book It’s No Accident says,

“Parents are often led to believe: Sure, my kids have issues, but they are just kids. They get caught up in playing and forget to go potty. Their bladder isn’t “caught up” to their brain. They wet the bed, but that’s typical for their age. These notions are untrue.”

They are untrue, then how come even our pediatricians say things like, “it’s normal”? I found myself so very very frustrated this year with my 2 year old sons potty problem. In short, at the beginning of the year he got a little constipated. He started having Encopresis (poop leaks out because their is a large ball of poop clogging things up). Every diaper their was a nasty skid. Then suddenly one day he wouldn’t eat or drink and felt awful. I got so side tracked with all of the skid diapers that I did t realize it had been 2 weeks since he actually pooped. The doctor advised me to give him an enema. It worked. But then days go by and still no poop. Another enema. For some reason he just couldn’t/wouldn’t poop. The ped puts him on a laxative. Doesn’t work. She puts him on 2 laxatives. Nothing. So she sends him to the GI Doctor. She puts him on another laxative (now he’s on 3 laxatives). Nothing. She ups the dosages. Nothing. She runs tests. We go to Jacksonville and they run tests. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. 6 months go by and my kid can’t poop on his own. What the heck?!

If it wasn’t for the wonderful people at the Continence Clinic at Nemours in Jacksonville, I truly believe Silas would have ended up having a bowel obstruction. The local GI Doctor was dragging their feet and I was getting scared. (Kim and Elizabeth y’all were awesome).

After they ran the last test they could on him and it came back normal, I was frustrated to tears. How do I help my son?

During all of this I had come across an article on Parents.com by Steve Hodges MD titled The Shocking Dangers of Constipation in Kids. Reading the article I realized how crucial it was that I keep pushing doctors until I find an answer. Otherwise my son could be left with much worse problems than he started. I even emailed Dr. Steve Hodges in desperation and he emailed back!

After the doctors were left with no answers I researched more on Silas’s issue and again came across Dr. Steve Hodges article. I read reviews of his book on Amazon and parents praised him for finally helping their children. Even a mother who’s 15 year old son still wet the bed, was finally cured. I went ahead and bought.

What other options did I have?

Reading the book was like a light switch. I kept asking myself, “Why didn’t the specialist ever tell me these things?”

Suddenly all of the “I just don’t understand” turned into “ohhhh I get it now”.  Dr. Hodges explained how constipation happens, how it gets worse, and what can happen in extreme cases when the body is too far gone. And most importantly, he teaches you how to fix it.

My 6 months worth of questions were answered in this 1 book. Instead of just giving Silas enemas hoping that something will change, I now have a plan and know what is happening with his body.

in Silas’s case, chronic constipation led to his colon and rectum getting stretched out. This along with holding and fear to poop, makes it much more difficult to go. We are following the enema treatment plan by Dr.Sean O’Regan that Dr.Hodges recommends. The plan is to retrain his body, let the colon and rectum heal, and hopefully he will begin to go on his own. Silas has had a test showing his colon is too large. Dr.Hodges explains that in extreme cases when the colon is too stretched out, surgery is necessary. I hope that isn’t the case.

For Silas I am already seeing results. He had a bowel movement on his own for the first time since April.

Silas is an extreme case.

But…

In the beginning of the book I read this: “Virtually all accidents and recurrent urninary  tract infections and, I believe, the majority of bedwetting cases, are symptoms of a silent epidemic of holding.”

Thats right. He is saying that in virtually all of these cases, kids are constipated.

Suddenly I thought of my 5 year old who wets the bed every single night. I’ve tried all the tips and tricks. No liquids past 6. Wake him up to pee before I go to bed. Everything. Many of the times he has already wet the bed before I went in.

But how could he be constipated? He poops every day with no problem. I continue reading to learn that you can be constipated and still poop once or even 2+ times a day. The problem is that kids, being in a hurry, tend to not empty themselves fully. Then due to playing, not wanting to poop at school, or avoidance they hold it.

So how does constipation have anything to do with urinary issues like UTI’s and bedwetting?

According to Dr.Hodges, when your child holds their poop, it fills up the colon.When the colon gets full guess what happens. It starts to squish the blatter! When the blatter starts to flatten it leads to, you guessed it, accidents.

Does your kid have to urgently pee all the time?

Does she have to pee all the dang time even when she JUST went?

Does she get recurrent UTI’s?

Is he 5+ years old and still wets the bed?

Well, your kid just might be constipated.

When the blatter flattens from the colon, it can send urine back into the kidneys, resulting in a UTI.

Dr.H (can I call you Dr.H?) says that most the time parents refuse to believe their kid is constipated until they see an X-ray. Then they are shocked.

Well I decided that I wouldn’t try and get an X-ray of my 5, almost 6, year old and that I would just go for it.

The weekend came and we did what Dr.H recommend. A MiraLax clean out.

I was particularly brave and did the clean out with both Carson and Silas… Maybe not the best idea looking back. I wasn’t trying to be a hero, so Carson wore a pull-up all weekend. For that, I am eternally grateful.

The clean out was a success for them both. Over the weekend they had the recommended amount of thunder down unders.

With Carson I have been following Dr.H post clean out plan. He now has a daily dose of MiraLax and no liquids 2 hours before bed. We are also adding some more fiber to his diet.

And guess what?

We’re almost a week of 0 bed wets!!

He wet the bed the day after the cleanse which wasn’t a surprise due to all the liquid he drank the day before. But he hasn’t wet the bed since.

I never ever ever ever would have thought he was constipated. He poops every day in the afternoon. But let’s face it, he has a tiny little body. So by night time his body has already digested more food, so if he isn’t fully emptying when he goes, then his lil ol blatter would already be squished by bed time.

Since Silas’s issue is completely different and more extreme, the results are not the same. Yet. For him, post clean out, I give him a daily dose of MiraLax and a enema. But like I said, he went on his own the other day. So I have hope!

Ive learned a lot this year about this rather gross and awkward subject. But I am really hoping that I can help raise awareness about potty accidents and incontinence. I hope that a few children will finally get to sleep with no pull-ups and confidentially go to a sleepover. I hope this will help parents recognize the signs of constipation and avoid them.

Silas has been through so much and I would love to keep other children from his struggles.

Again, I am not getting paid to promote this book. But after the pediatrician, GI Doctor, General Surgeon, Incontinence Specialist, and yet another Surgeon, this book gave many answers that I have not yet heard and most importantly, gave positive results.

If you would like to buy the book It’s No Accident so you can learn about your child’s potty problem and how to fix it, it’s only $11 on Amazon (and yes it’s Prime!!!) I recommend reading the great reviews. Follow the link

https://www.amazon.com/Its-Accident-Breakthrough-Solutions-Constipation/dp/076277360X/ref=la_B000APH44U_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1476370536&sr=1-1

 

 

If you would like to read the article by Dr. Steven Hodges that intrigued  me, follow the link

http://www.parents.com/blogs/toddlers-kids/2015/07/09/health/the-shocking-danger-of-constipation-in-kids/

 

 

***I am not a medical professional. You should always consult your child’s doctor before giving them any type of treatment. This is my personal experience that I personally recommend talking to your child’s Doctor about.

 

May I PLEASE give you a tissue?

imageDear sweet grandmother at the store using her hand as a human tissue for her grandchild:
Please. For the love of gag reflexes everywhere, may I offer you a tissue?
Now I personally don’t have a tissue in hand but let’s keep it real, the tissue aisle is only like 5 rows away.
And don’t worry. If your bones are too brittle for the treck, I. Shall. Go. For. You.

You see, I was just shopping for the latest trends in home air fresheners and right when I was in Hawaiian Breeze ecstasy, I was snapped back into reality with what was a typical toddler struggle but quickly escalated to be an eye gouging scene of something that even the most keep it natural-baby wearing-100% organic-co-sleeping-gluten free-breastfeed till 5-anti vax moms would never EVER approve.

Let me paint you a picture.

Here I am. Chipping away at all the scratch and sniff stickers. Sniffing away like I’m getting paid to review the product. I turn around and see you there shopping with your grandchild who is probably about 3. Being a grandparent shopping with a toddler was only the first of many poor choices that were soon to follow.

Everything happened so quickly.

The kid sneezed.

The snot gushed out like sludge from backed up sink pipes.

And there it was. The moment that you had to decide what course of action you were going to take.

Unfortunately you didn’t bring in the diaper bag because, being that you’re a bit rusty in the child rearing department, you thought that you could make a quick trip to the store with no messes being made.

Well Barb. Can I call you Barb? Barb, messes will always find you when a toddler is in tow.

My first move would have been that adorable mermaid shirt she was wearing. Snot could easily be mistaken as seaweed right?

However Barb, you chose a more bio-hazardous route. Your face looked alarmed. Why Barb? It was just mucus. It’s not like it would have melted her skin off while you walked over to the tissue aisle.

And then it happened.

Your hand reached up to her nose.

Oh please Barb. Please no.

You grabbed her nose and squeezed it. I guess in an effort to squeeze out any remaining mucus that dared to remain. You squeezed like her nose was a tube of toothpaste. It wasn’t toothpaste Barb.

At this point I have involuntarily dawned the ugliest stank face imaginable.

And then in one motion while you pinched her nose, you cupped the palm of your hand and just scooped and wiped and oh dear God is this really happening?

*insert gag here*

You were standing literally, right next to a mop, Pledge furniture wipes, abrasive sponges, and a misplaced package of Preparation H Soothing Towelettes. Any of which would have been the preferred method of mucus extraction.

I slowly turned around. Eyes bulging. Too nauseated to witness what your choice for cleaning your own hand would be.

I imagine that since the tissue aisle was too far of a walk, then being that the hand sanitizer was across the store…well that just wasn’t gonna happen.

And just like that, I don’t have the stomach for smelling Vanilla Vice or Seductive Sandstorm. My house will have to smell like burnt carpet and old diapers for yet another day.
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Turns out that my boys cramp my style

imageBack in my teen years I was a little on the shallow side. How so? Welllll… I thought I looked real good. Like, “Hey guy check me out. I look good”. And they did. Check me out. I thrived off of the attention.

I loved looking good and I really enjoyed the art of flirting.

In fact, in my mind, I looked so good that I thought it was quite literally the only thing that I had going for me. Which led to many of issues. But that’s another blog for another time.

I got married at the young age of 19. My new husband also came with a cute shaggy haired 2 year old. Which meant that straight into marriage, I hung up my heals and slipped on my metaphorical mom jeans. I already felt a notch less sexy but don’t worry, I still looked good.

I don’t know. I guess it was something about potty training and car seats that made me feel less cool and more like the dreaded “soccer mom” stigma that my sisters and I always swore we would avoid.

A few short months after marriage, I puked. And by puke I mean I was pregnant.

And then it started to happen.

For some reason, for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel beautiful.

After having my baby the feelings of being unattractive only grew. It didn’t help that I chopped about 7inches of my hair off. Yeah. Turns out I held a lot of my confidence in my hair. Is that weird?

I felt like I looked “alright”. Now hear me out. I went from feeling worthy of posting a couple selfies a week on MySpace to not wanting my picture taken. I mean, I literally had a photo album titled, “ME”. And yes…I would post a picture of myself paired with a tasteful inspirational quote. Yes. I was “that” girl who I would now block on my Facebook.

I felt average. I went up a couple pant sizes. Bra sizes. Even a shoe size. I had dark stretch marks on my thighs and stomach. I went from a head turner to a diaper tosser.

I now have 4 handsome boys and the world has tried to convince me that I am still just a thicker version of what I “used” to be. But there is still something about taking a shower and drying off to realize that you dried off with the same towel that you cleaned up a puddle of spit up with that makes me feel less sexy.

There have been several times in the past year that I have had a conversation with one of the youth in my church that went like this,

-You’re only 26?!

Yes. How old did you think I was?

-I don’t know. Older.

There have even been a couple people my age that are in disbelief that we are the same age.

This is a huge confidence booster. Am I right?!

Then something happened. This past weekend I was in a wedding that involved me being away from my boys for 2 days. 2 days of no boys, no stroller, no diaper bags, no crying or arguing, no shoveling food in anyone’s mouth.

I had more than 3 people who were surprised that I was 26. The girl that did my makeup said, “what?! You’re 26 and have had 3 babies?! Girl you look good.” I threw my hands in the hair and said THANK YOU! Many of the wonderful women I was around this week complimented me. Ok ok. Yes there was 1 woman that asked me “when are you due” and told me I would look good in a year but…I’m gonna count that one as a fluke.

What I realized is that people assume that I am older because of my little crew of boys.

They assume that I’m older.

I’m the one that has been assuming that I’m not as beautiful.

Please know that I’m not using this post as a platform to declare, in the words of JT, “I’m bringing sexy back.”

My declaration is to all the hard working mamas that feel like they are not as beautiful as what they were. We are beautiful. We may have a kid or 2 or 4 under our belt but that doesn’t some how make you “not what you were” as before children. Don’t give up on yourself. Buy a new curling wand. Splurge on some new makeup. Because before kids, we did all those things anyways to look good. After kids we do it a lot less, but it is still important to show yourself, and the world, just how beautiful you have ALWAYS been.

My boys may cramp my style and add a couple years on me. But darn it…I’m gonna look good pushing them through the store telling them that if they are really good, then mama won’t spank their butt.

#RaisingSanchezBoys

 

 

Why you should NOT hang out with your sister who is a mother of young children past 4pm.

me and casey copy edit

Every mom of young children know that once late afternoon hits, things start to go array. Kids get whiney and cranky but dangit, you’ve already used the nap card and its too close to dinner for a good snack.The house has now slowly gotten to be a mess as one toy at a time has been brought out of their room that they don’t want to play in because, wouldn’t you know it, it’s just too dang messy to race cars. At about 4:30 you are seriously contemplating putting the hamburger meat you just thawed out back in the freezer and asking hubby to just bring home a $5 pizza. But then you question if double freezing a meat that you already froze at a questionable shelf life would be safe to consume. Then you remember that your kid took a bite of the shriveled up mystery ball behind the couch yesterday so double frozen meat suddenly doesn’t seem so hazardous. Your pants have wiped snot on them that you yourself transferred from one of the kids nose to your pants and your shirt has several stains that you don’t actually recall how they got there.

That was me yesterday.

At about 5pm I was talking to my sister while only 2 of my boys were crying. We were talking about how there was a movie that we both really wanted to see. So my sister asked, “There’s a showing at like 9. Do you want to go?” My eyes widen. Will I even be awake at 9? When I realize that she is totally serious I answered…

 

I answered with a tone of bravery and courage.

 

With my eyes squinting and peering into the great unknown (squinting in a bold nonchalant way, not in a the-suns-so-bright-I-need-to-sneeze way), I said, “Yes”. My only term was that she drive because I didn’t want to fall asleep at the wheel.

Sure by this point my makeup is smeared. But hey, I’ll just put a kimono over my stained shirt and I’ll be good to go.

She says that the movie starts at 9:25pm so she will pick me up at 9. So I leave, now with my 6 year old niece in tow.

 

I get home. Baby’s crying. Toddler whining. It’s only 6:30. I can make it.

I finally get the baby settled down and my toddler happy. I lay on the couch. Exhausted and ready to leave before I back out. Its 6:55. Crap. 2 hours to go. Baby starts crying again. I’m rendered useless. My niece goes to get him. She makes him happy. I fall asleep on the couch. I wake up to a text. Is it time to go?! Crap. It’s only 7:30. My sister text that she would pick me up at 8:30. Oh thank God. I can make it.

My husband walks in. I say, “Do you care if I go to the movies?”

“When?”

“Um…at 9.”

He looks around. Confused.Amused if you will.Sure he says.

It’s finally time, my sister picks me up. I’m yawning within seconds. “Are you gonna make it?” she asks. I don’t respond. I’m scared.

 

So now I will explain why she shouldn’t have taken me out at the ungodly hour of 9pm.

She parks. I go to get out. Oh my phone.

Where is my phone? Did I bring my phone? Is that my phone? Oh there’s my phone! No that’s my wallet. Why is my phone as big as my wallet? Ok, ok, I found my phone.

Oh wait my card. I need my card. Where my card? There’s my card. Lets go.

We walk up to the concessions. “Hi, what would you like?”

I tell my sister in not quite a whisper, “oh darn I forgot my water bottle in the van.” I said this in such a way as if the popcorn girl couldn’t hear me. But lets face it, I was looking directly at her because I have forgotten the importance of making eye contact with the correct person that I’m speaking to.

What do you want to get? A small combo? How about a medium combo? Well we might as well get a large combo, it’s only $1.75 more. Well what if we get a large popcorn with 2 small drinks? Hmm…no. That will be the same price. We might as well get a large. Ok yes, I want a large combo. My sister goes to put the liquid form of obesity they call butter on the popcorn. I grab a straw and manage to knock the bucket spilling popcorn on the floor. In my defense, the straws are unnecessarily long and might as well be considered miniature swords.

We sit down. My sister set the popcorn on what I’m confident is a super clean floor. We were there for a good 5 minutes when the lid pops off my drink. Some how in the darkness my hand made its way into my drink. When I try to recover, I snatched my hand out too quickly and spilled half of my drink. A quarter of it spilling into the popcorn and a quarter spilling onto my sisters flip flops. I start laughing out of pity for my sister who should have left me home. I agree to eat the soggy popcorn like it was my plan all along to eat overly salted, soggy, heart attack popped corn. Not to my surprise, it didn’t taste great.

And maybe it’s because I don’t get out enough, but I swear that on the rare occasion that I do see a movie I am the only one laughing at all the hilarious parts! At this point I didn’t want to really over due my welcome so I would pre-laugh in hopes of my sister laughing. I felt laugh approval was critical at this point in our night. Thankfully, she found it just as funny as I did while the prudes in the front must have gotten the wrong flavor candy or something because not once did I hear even the slightest snort while I was over there falling out of my seat.

 

Anyways, it was a fun night. Hopefully my sister feels the same. I am not the spring chicken I used to be.

Did I have to put a black and white filter on the picture just to make it presentable and less like one of those pictures that you wonder why anyone would ever post of themselves?

Yes.

But it was fun. And worth getting to bed past 10.

“Almost” Porn

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I have a friend named Pam. Pam planned a girls night out! When her boyfriend asked what movie she was going to see she replied, “Just a film about a guy’s life of being a male stripper.” Her boyfriend kissed her on the cheek and said, “Have fun.”

Meanwhile in the real world there are those who say,

Wait. One. Minute.

Lets reverse the roles shall we.

I have a friend named Paul. Paul planned a guys night out! When his girlfriend asked what movie he was going to see he replied, “Just a film about a girl’s life of being a stripper.” His girlfriend smacked him on the cheek and said, “Heck no!”

Lets be real ladies. The majority of women don’t find it ok for their boyfriends or husbands to watch erotic movies. Aka,

PORN.

Ouch. That word hurts doesn’t it?

Yeah, but Magic Mike didn’t have any “bad” nudity. It was just rated R for pervasive sexual content and BRIEF graphic nudity. It wasn’t that bad. It isn’t considered porn.

Question: Would you approve your husband/boyfriend/dad/brother to go to a strip club?

Most would say no.

But maybe you would answer: Its their business. I don’t see why its that big of a deal.

Question: Would you approve of your pastor/youth leader/church leader to go to a strip club? Seriously. Even if you don’t go to church, but you saw the pastor of some church walking into a strip club, would you EVER go to his church? You would probably call him “Just another Christian hypocrite.”

This pastor, so to speak, is just a man. Just a man like your husband or boyfriend or brother. So what’s the difference? Why is it ok for one and not the other?

Here’s a hint. Its not ok for them. And its its not ok for us.

Why is it ok for women to go watch a movie about a male stripper, but totally wrong for men to go to a strip club? In reality, the only difference is that in one setting, the strippers are right in front of you and in the other, they’re on a movie screen. Both places you are sitting down to watch someone strip. Both places you are paying to watch someone strip. Both places you would feel uncomfortable if your mother was sitting right next to you.

They’re calling it MOMMY PORN.

Soon to be in theaters is a movie that I’m sure most of you have heard the buzz, Fifty Shades of Grey. Just another romantic comedy? No. This movie is nothing less than a soft porno. Its rated R for,

Strong sexual content including dialogue, some unusual behavior and graphic nudity, and for language.

Its a movie about sex. Promoting violent sexual activities.

Lets put it this way. There are scenes from the book that were so explicit that the producers didn’t even attempt to put them in the movie.

And yet, there are mommies everywhere who cant wait to see it. I don’t say that in a judgmental way rather, how is this ok? How is it fair? What are you saying to your husbands and boyfriends and sons and daughters when you watch this movie?

We have a generation of youth who are struggling with addiction to pornography and yet we go and watch movies that promote just that!

If you’re still not convinced, how about taking a look at some of the song titles from the soundtrack like, I Put A Spell On You, Witchcraft, Haunted, Beast of Burden,  and Did That Hurt.

When a man watches porn how does he feel toward the woman on screen? Lustful. A big problem I hear from women who’s husband watch porn is that it gives them a false expectation of what sex really is. It leaves the women feeling inadequate and unattractive.

When a woman watches these “romantic” movies. How does she feel toward the man on screen? Lustful. Is it possible that these movies could give you a false expectation of what your husband should be doing?

The movie Boy Next Door is also worth mentioning. I read it being described as one of Jennifer Lopez most provocative movies to date. I read an article from the guy that played the “boy” and he described the scenes as being so uncomfortable because your doing things that you usually would only do in private.

Is this really ok?

I strongly feel that the porn industry is trying to broaden their viewing audiences so that their main viewers aren’t just men, but moms like you and I. And what better way than to put “almost porn” on the big screen.

We have a choice ladies. Lets make it one to be proud of.